The SPEECH

As we approach the door and are about to go in

I pull my kids aside so we can have this little talk again.

Here I go giving this speech for the ump-teenth time .

By now they’ve heard it so much , they can recite it like a nursery rhyme.

I make eye contact with all three of them to make sure I have their attention.

And I try to use small words to avoid any miscomprehension.

“Now listen kids, before we go into this grocery store

I’m telling you one time and I’m not saying this anymore.

Don’t go in this place acting a fool.

I’m talking to each of you... Keke, Jamal and Abdul.

When you get inside , keep your hands to yourselves.

And I don’t want to see any of you riding on carts or climbing up shelves.

When we pass by a fountain , don’t act like you’re thirsty and beg for a drink.

Because when we’re at home and I give you water, you just pour it down the sink.

Before we get in this store ..now HEAR THIS REAL GOOD BOYS,

Don’t ask for any candy, chips or those over-priced toys.

When you see peanut butter and jelly jars don’t take off the lids.

Don’t  act like you’ve lost your minds and suddenly turn into Bebe’s Kids.

Now, Mommy won’t be in here long. Can you be good today ?”

They all looked at me with big, bright eyes, smiled and said , “OKAY !”

When I get the cart and start pushing it through the store

I swear they acted like they had never seen one before.

While Jamal is climbing on front, Abdul is hanging onside.

Keke curled on the bottom rack as if he’s on a bobsled ride.

I said, “What did I just tell you before we came in here ?

I thought I had made myself perfectly clear.

Didn’t I say that ya’ll better act right ?

So GET OFF THIS BASKET , walk and don’t start touching everything in sight !”

As we walked down the first aisle, things went well for about a minute.

Until I stopped and reached for some salad dressing and Keke said “Let me get it.”

That boy acted like he had no sense.

He started climbing up that shelf like it was a chain-link fence.

I grabbed him by the butt and pulled him down to the floor

And told him I better not see him climbing up grocery shelves anymore.

When we went down the cereal aisle things started to turn bad

They all forgot everything I told them at the door and had suddenly gone mad.

They started yelling for Cheerios and Apple Jacks

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Sugar Smacks.

I said, “Boys, ya’ll better stop it ! Quit begging ! Hold up! ”

Then Abdul grabbed a box and yelled,” Mommy can we have a Fruit Roll-Up ?”

I saw where this was headed and I began to move as fast as I can

People were looking at me as if I were a mad man.

I began throwing grocery in that cart, making shots like Michael Jordan.

I was turning corners on two wheels and driving like Jeff Gordon.

The kids started running beside me while yelling, “Mommy why are you going so fast ?”

They said ,”We’re getting out of breath Mommy ! We don’t think we can last !”

I flew by the cookie aisle because I do have a brain.

If they smelled those chocolate chips they would definitely go insane.

Now, only one more stop to make . I needed milk, butter and orange juice.

I was full steam ahead, driving this train and they were gasping for air at caboose.

Now I’m at the checkout aisle hoping there was nothing I omitted.

I thought, if there’s something I didn’t have , then I’ll just have to forget it.

I’m third in line catching my breath and seeing victory at the front door.

The trip through the store was over and there was nothing else they could ask for.

Then, all of a sudden I snapped to my senses and realized things were about to get worse.

As we’re waiting in line I see racks filled with candy as they all screamed “Starburst !”

There were Snicker Bars, Air Heads and a colored piece of sugar called a Skittle.

Racks overflowed with sweets about waist high to me but eye level to someone who’s little.

This just didn’t happen by chance. Having this much candy at a checkout aisle.

I was put there on purpose and with only 2 cashiers, they knew you’d be there a while.

They started crying, kicking and screaming, “Mommy can we have some ?”

I said, “NO ! Put down those Tic Tacs, Jamal !  Abdul, don’t open that Bubble Yum !”

Suddenly, I realized Keke was extremely quiet and that boy never shuts up.

I pulled him to me, pried open his mouth and found a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

The other two boys looked shocked and together they said “ooooo !”

Mommy, you let Keke have candy, why can’t we have some toooo !”

Now, I’ve  finally  paid for my grocery and I’m leaving the cashier.

The lads are crying but I don’t care. I’m thinking, “Hooray. I’ve made it out of here.”

As I’m smiling and approaching the door,  I feel a frown come on my face.

I see a giant gumball machine. Now, who would put that in this place ?

As we passed the machine they dropped to the floor and asked ,”Can we please have a quarter ?”

Their tiny faces were all covered with tears. I didn’t know eyes could produce that much water.

I gave a quarter each to Jamal and Abdul. Keke said, “What about me ?”

I said, “Remember that candy you ate in the store ? Did you think you it was free ?”

With grocery loaded and kids buckled in, we’re finally on our way. 

While I’m driving home I gave them a piece of my mind about their behavior today.

I went on and on about how I wanted each of them to become responsible men.

I told them when they’re grown and become parents that they would understand then.

I told them that I didn’t want them falling off shopping carts and busting their head.

And how I didn’t feel like leaving home to buy grocery and coming back with one of them dead.

I explained to Keke if he keeps on stealing that he was going to spend some serious time in jail.

I told him when they haul his little butt off in handcuffs he better not call me for bail.

I knew my words must have really caught their attention because I didn’t hear a sound, not a peep.

Until we got home and I opened their door and found they were all asleep.